30 Voices: When Parents Kick Kids Out at 18

The Debate Over Kicking Out Kids at 18

It's a well-known fact that some birds throw their babies out of the nest to hone their flying skills and build up strength, to help them make it on their own in this big, cruel world of ours. The same survival tactic, it turns out, is also used by our fellow humans. However, considering that mother nature doesn't have a fluctuating economy and eye-watering student debts, it's only fitting that not everyone will approve of parents kicking their kids out as soon as they turn 18.

So, to understand what the general consensus is on this age-old rite of passage, someone asked the r/AskReddit community "What do you think of the parents that kick their kids out as soon as they have turned 18 years old?" Of course, the responses were as mixed-bag and as thought-provoking as always.

Cultural Perspectives on Kicking Out Kids

They're not Italian, that's for sure. Here in Italy, when the "child" is finally ready to leave the house at the age of 35, the family gets together to bid them a tearful goodbye... before they move 1km away from their parent's house.

In a world where adulthood is supposed to beckon independence and self-sufficiency, what happens when your own flesh and blood refuses to take flight? When, if ever, can you pull the plug on their cozy existence?

While the age of 18 might mark the end of a child's legal childhood, it's a murky path to navigate from there. Sure, in the bygone days, this wasn't such a big deal when young adults could live well from a single paycheck from McDonald's - an idea that is as baffling to current generations, as it still is achievable, according to some out-of-touch parents. Parents, then, find themselves torn between their obligations to provide a nurturing home and the growing frustration of having a child who shows no interest in venturing into the real world.

Personal Stories and Experiences

My parents are foster parents (they’re my bio parents but they’ve been doing foster care all my 30 years of life) and they don’t kick out the foster kids when they turn 18. When children’s aid stops supporting them (usually at 18) my parents step up and help the kids until they can comfortably move out or until they want to. They have a 25 yr old still living with them because she fears abandonment and my parents don’t want her to leave lol. They love each other. My parents helped out over 20 kids throughout my life to try to become successful human beings, no matter how long it takes. Many of them are still in contact with us. We took them in and loved them. How can parents who raised their own children kick them out just because they reached “adult” status. I just don’t get it lol.

As today's discussion proves, there comes a point when many parents believe that turning a blind eye to their pleas for continued support might seem harsh at first, but pays off in the end. Although, it's not a one-size-fits-all solution, as Carl E Pickhardt, a Harvard-trained psychologist-parenting expert and the author of 'Holding On While Letting Go: Parenting Your Child Through the Four Freedoms of Adolescence,' reminds us.

"The child’s transition through the 10-to-12-year coming-of-age passage that we call 'adolescence' is not only the harder half of growing up," Pickhardt told Bored Panda, "it is also the harder half of parenting as more youthful separation, differentiation, and opposition now make the parent/child relationship more complicated and challenging for all parties."

Criticisms and Concerns

It's trashy behavior and bad parenting. Your role as a parent doesn't suddenly expire when your child turns 18. It also shows an unhealthy relationship to your child, as if they were some kind of burden that you're counting down to be rid of. Now, if a kid goes to college or something and moves out at 18? Different story. But children should always feel that they have a place in their family's home, regardless of their age or what life might throw at them.

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Kicking out your kid as soon as you're legally allowed to do so tells me you wanted them out of the house even earlier and the only reason you didn't do it is because you didn't want to be arrested.

I work in homeless services, focusing on transitional aged youth between 18 and 24 who have been in the foster care system or Probation camp. The amount of youth who I have worked with who get kicked out at 18 is disgusting. As soon as they turn 18, the checks for fostering youth stop and the foster parents no longer feel incentivized to house these youths, regardless of the bonds formed. So out you go to make room for another paycheck to come in. To top it off, neither the foster parents nor the system prepare these youths for the reality ahead. They are extremely financially illiterate and have no idea how to navigate life. It's so sad and depressing.

In the past, this bump-and-stumble approach might have worked just fine, as Pickhardt explains. However, in the present era, characterized by its intricate and rapidly evolving landscape, this method exposes young individuals to greater risks and potential harm.

In Australia, for example, over 44,000 children and young individuals find themselves in the challenging circumstances of out-of-home care. And while it's not fair to compare out-of-home care children with ones that live in the nest of their guardians, a distressing report by the Australian Housing and Research Institute has revealed that within a year after being kicked out of state care in Victoria, half of the 400 young individuals find themselves without a home, falling victim to the harsh grip of homelessness. And that must be telling something.

Real-Life Consequences

I got kicked out of my mom's house at 15 because my mom was a headcase, and my OCD went off the scale because of the mental abuse. Dad didn't want to take me in and told me so, but my stepmom forced his hand. The day I graduated HS, my stuff was on the lawn with the locks changed. Then I had to live with years of angry messages on the answering machine, 'How come you never call?!?! Why do you hate our family?!?!' I even got accused last week by a family member that I made the whole thing up when she was trying to tell me that I'm a bad person for ignoring my mom. The level of the narcissism of some people is unbelievable.

A girl from my class came home after our grad night party to find two garbage bags with her stuff in them. They didn't even tie it so when it rained that night it filled up the bags with water and destroyed her laptop, pictures, and clothing. Her parents showed up at her house last year on Independence Day because their house burned down from a firework mishap. I'm told the husband just asked them to leave. Oh, and I should add they didn't have insurance on the home so they were pretty much screwed.

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It's their right, but I disagree with it. I was kicked out the day I turned 17. I lived out of my car for 3 months while working fast food and completing my senior year. I would've probably dropped out had it not been for my best friends dad. He found out about the situation and forced me to move in with them. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He had recently got divorced because his stay at home wife was cheating on him. Because they had a spare bedroom and I was friends with both his sons that lived with him, he told me "It's just us guys living there and having fun. You stay until you finish school. After that, you can pay $100 a month in rent until you decide what to do. Don't argue with me." The man's a saint. I wouldn't have been able to keep going to school without him, and he knew it. He's a guy who had to drop out to work back in the day to support his family. He got his GED and clawed his way up to head engineer at a factory so he could afford a nice home for his wife and kids. He bought a nice two story home that he barely got to stay in for a women who didn't appreciate him. The man even came home every single day and cooked meals for us to make sure we'd eat. In the middle of fighting a divorce, trying to get custody of both of his kids, and keep the house he paid for, he took me in, adding to the stress. He did that for me just because I was friends with his sons. If I ever get rich, that man is getting an early retirement and a comfortable home wherever he chooses.

"I believe in providing young people for adulthood with responsible self-management preparation in the adolescent years; not simply 'forcing' them into adulthood at age 18 with abandonment," Pickhardt explained. The approach he suggests for preparing young individuals for adulthood involves parents establishing a form of agreement, commonly known as a "freedom contract." This type of preparation for adulthood, rooted in evidence-based parenting, operates on the principle of mutual understanding. "You demonstrate the behaviors we expect from you, and in turn, you are more likely to receive what you desire from us," he said. The 'contract' encompasses key provisions such as providing accurate information, honoring commitments, taking responsibility for choices, fostering mutual support, engaging in open discussions, and communicating with courtesy and respect.

By meeting these expectations, the teenager increases the likelihood of receiving reciprocal treatment. The contract underscores the importance of actions over empty promises, creating a foundation for accountability and a balanced relationship - values that hold great importance as young adults navigate their path in the vast and complex world.

"The preparation for adulthood I propose is parents holding young people in their care accountable to some variation of the 'freedom contract' as they grow through adolescence," a child's most impactful years, Pickhardt suggested.

Diverse Opinions and Perspectives

I've never met anyone who does this and is also a decent human being. They're always like "kids gotta learn to stand on their own two feet, I don't care if my kid is homeless and gets assaulted, life's not fair lol, pull yourself up by your bootstraps like I did when my dad gave me a company in 1973"

Great candidates for a nursing home in their later years.

They are terrible parents who will likely end up in a state-run nursing home. If you have a child your goal is to make sure your child has every tool to succeed in life before they go out on their own regardless if that is 18, 23, 25+ My plan is once my child hits 18 i will ask them to pay me a small "rent" amount (like 20% of a normal 1bed apartment rent) monthly but I will be putting it all into a separate bank account and once they decide it's time to move out I'll give all of it back to them as a gift. They will always have a place to stay with me if things get tough as well.

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My bf got kicked out at 18 and his parents literally said to his face "Since you were an accident and we didn't mean to have you, we need you out of the house now so we can actually relax like we used to before you were born." Anyway, I think extremely badly of them.

Welp... I was kicked out at 16 and again at 18. My mother had no ambitions for work and decided the low to zero income way of life was a good choice to raise three kids. (Addictions and mental disorders ofc). Anyhow, she demanded 500 dollars per month from me, while I was in highschool. At the time, a full time job at minimum wage would net you about 300 bi weekly. Needless to say I first had to drop out of school to woro full time to pay her that. Eventually I got back into school, cut back on (and quit) jobs until I was part time and could actually attend school. This cause money to stop coming in. This caused her to be angry. This caused me to become homeless. So now when she asks for help, or simply wants to talk to me, and I dont reply... Well, there you go. (There were many other things involved, but if you are a dk to your kids, they will be a dk to you when they are adults. Rightfully so.) (Yes, I am now a parent, and no, under no circumstances would I do what she did).

Guy in my graduating class had that happen to him. He came back from Project Graduation the next morning and his father had put all his stuff on the front lawn. First day out of High School and kicked out of the house, not 12 hours after receiving your diploma. Bobby went on to college, got his degree, and got married to his HS sweetheart, and moved into a large house in the biggest city in our state, and works high up in one of the hospitals downtown Louisville KY. When his Mother passed away, she left a good chunk of money to Bobby and his brother, whom daddy did the same way 4 years later. Father got cancer 6 months after his wife passed, ended up in the hospital, and Bobby and his brother let their father lose his house to the bank. Bobby bought it on the courthouse steps, bulldozed it, and split the new property in half, giving it to the neighbors on both sides of the now empty lot, who let Bobby and later his brother live in their basements for a time while they each figured out what to do. Daddy stayed in the hospital and when released, had to go to a half-way house sponsored by the VA, because neither Bobby or his brother would let him move in, and he had no siblings to speak of. I know this because my Mom graduted with Bobby's dad, and for some reason thought I should know the details of their lives....

Brother was out before 18 and I was out at 18, and my dad didn't even have a funeral. Should tell you about all you need to know about parents who kick their kids out asap.

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I cut all ties after they kicked me out. They both died young. My life was rough for a while but it all turned out okay. And now I’m the adult, and my oldest is 20. He’s still at home rent-free while he pursues his career and education. I’ll do the same for the other four. We bought a new house when my oldest was 19 and we specifically made sure he had a room where he could feel comfortable to stay here and have his own space.

They're fools, selfishly setting up their children for a life of unnecessary hardship and struggle.

Wasn't even a discussion, somehow I turned 18 and was given a plane ticket voucher and nothing else. Not a cent, no advice on how to adult, no real direction. So I couch surfed instead until I found work. Then moved away. My 18-25 was nothing but a struggle. I genuinely can't remember any point during that time where I felt like I had a handle on life whatsoever. And now I just don't talk to them anymore, it's been years. I've had family come to me with the "they're your parents they did the best they could" b**t. It just [is bad], knowing that your parents don't love you.

“You’re 18, you’re on your own. Don’t ask us for anything , because we don’t owe you any more support“ … 20+ years later… “I know we made it clear that we won’t do anything to help you, but now that you’re successful and have something that WE want (grandchild), we’re willing to amend that agreement so that family is super important to us. It’s so lonely after we drove everyone away!

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Was one of those kids, haven't spoken to my "parents" in over 10 years. Have no intention on speaking to them any time in the future either.

It’s terrible! My fiancé’s birthday is the 26th of December - a day after Christmas. On his 18th birthday he was told by his father he was now an adult and had to go. No warning or anything. He had to move into his car that same week. And yet, 25 years later, his father has the audacity to continuously ask us for money to pay his bills.

That they have made a very poor choice and are damaging their relationship with that child, as well as potentially damaging that child's mental health. It's traumatic for the young person. As a therapist, I haven't ever come across this happening as a parenting issue in isolation. What I mean by that is that the same parents who kick their kids out at 18 are usually neglectful before they turn 18.

I can’t imagine having to deal with that. My Dad lost a place to live at his parents’ house for the summer his last year of college and luckily my Mom’s parents let him stay in their basement. From what my parents told me my Dad was devastated by this. My parents’ rule was we would have a place to stay without paying rent as long as we were in school or after we graduated while we were getting our first job. I really appreciated their support and not needing to worry about housing during the summers while I was in college. Will be doing the same with my 3 kids.

They should have bought a dog of they want the thing gone by 18.

Dad didn't want to have kids. Once we were 7 or 8 years old, my mother pretended to still like us but she didn't seem to (had more independent personalities). I believe that many past generations had children more out of obligation than out of a genuine desire to be parents for the rest of their lives.

They’re setting up their kids for failure. Harsh, but true. I’m no kids by choice but if I ever were to have a kid, I’d do my best to provide the best for them. What that means in this situation (I live in a HCOL PNW city) is that I’d make it known to my kid that they’re more than welcome to stay at home while going to college & working so they can save up $ instead of paying off someone else’s mortgage via rent. Rent for an old one bedroom in my city goes for $2000-2200; best to stay home and save up equity. EDIT: It also speaks to the type of parent these people are. Parenting doesn’t suddenly stop at 18. This is also a particularly Canadian/American thing, whereas immigrant and/or first-generational families typically have multigenerational households.

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I went to school with some people like that. Immediately kicked out at 18. How can they expect to continue their education when the now have to immediately start making enough for food and shelter. Inevitably, most got married and divorced or at least pregnant young too. Now 20 years later the ones I’m friends with on Facebook are continuing the vicious cycle by kicking their kids out at 18. Come on bro, give them a chance. And you complain your family doesn’t have generational wealth. This is why.

I think they're bad parents. They clearly don't understand what the world is like for recent high school grads, they're selfish and want their home back and don't want to keep feeding and housing their kid, and/or they didn't raise a self-sufficient child ready to try fending for themselves.

I used to think they were all horrible, no exceptions until I married a guy that was kicked out by his parents. After living with him for 15 years, it made me question how they lived with him for 18.

INSPIRATIONS DIGITAL

30 Voices: When Parents Kick Kids Out at 18

The Debate Over Kicking Out Kids at 18

Cultural Perspectives on Kicking Out Kids

Personal Stories and Experiences

Criticisms and Concerns

Real-Life Consequences

Diverse Opinions and Perspectives

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