For quite some time now, my sister and I have taken on new roles within our family. After my father retired a few years back and began experiencing declining health, the dynamics between us changed significantly.
Our dad was our very own superhero, cape or no cape. He was incredibly self-reliant, generous with his wisdom and counsel, and also a trailblazer in his way—being the first from his brothers and sisters to venture out of Hong Kong for studies overseas and eventually becoming the first tenured professor too. Yet suddenly, we've found ourselves taking on new responsibilities as offspring.
My sister and I have taken on the responsibility of caregivers. As our father and his spouse adjusted to their new circumstances, my sibling and I created a fresh routine working together like a well-oiled duo—handling all of Dad’s medical visits, transportation needs, and food deliveries. I’ve been tasked with grocery shopping and organizing entertainment options at the nearby seniors' center for him, such as playing bingo.
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During my peaceful interludes, I grappled with the part I believed I ought to assume within a structure where the distinctions between positions had grown hazy. This fresh responsibility didn’t sit well with me; occasionally, it felt more like a duty than a choice.
It was an understood yet unstated rule that, as a child of immigrants, I should respect my elders, particularly my parents. xiao shun It meant showing respect and obedience. This would come into play every time I disregarded a request from my parents, be it for something as simple as fetching groceries from the supermarket or adhering to their guidance.
" Ni xiao bu xiao shun "? ('Do you obey your parents?') was asked with a wagging finger." Unlike in the West, filial piety In Chinese and certain other Asian societies, significant importance is placed on respecting the authority of older generations and upholding familial honor.
Unaware of it at the time, I witnessed genuine filial devotion when observing how my father and his brothers and sisters looked after my grandmother following my grandfather’s passing. Each of them would take turns visiting her and contribute to ensuring she was well cared for. Similarly, an uncle and aunt have been taking care of their elderly parents—affectionately referred to as "the super seniors"—for many years now. Their responsibilities range from handling medical appointments to cooking meals.
As mentioned, taking care of parents and other older relatives goes beyond cultural boundaries. Across various cultures and religious beliefs, looking after senior citizens holds significant importance. The majority of my Jewish acquaintances would find the notion of sending their parents to a nursing home unthinkable. Similarly, numerous American friends also tend to look after their aging parents. This reflects an undeniable aspect of our generational experience.
A significant number of individuals in their 40s and 50s find themselves sandwiched between raising their kids and looking after aging parents. These people manage busy schedules filled with responsibilities from their demanding careers, personal relationships, and pet care duties. Approximately 23 percent of U.S. adults fall into this category. "sandwich generation" , looking after both elderly parents and children under 18, with individuals in their 40s being the most likely group to be in this situation, as reported by the Pew Research Centre.
In reflecting on xiao shun, I've begun to recognize its distinctive role within East Asian cultures, where reverence and compliance are deeply embedded in familial relationships. Arguably, this principle serves as the foundation of Chinese households, dictating both family dynamics and societal structures. This is precisely why my father—the firstborn—continued to look after his younger brothers even when they had reached maturity, going so far as to offer them red envelopes. covering the costs of the family dinners .
This framework is definitive. Embracing the idea that filial duty isn’t optional but essential holds a certain charm. Responsibilities within it are well-defined. I firmly believe we ought to uphold such duties even as caregiving poses difficulties. This practice transcends mere custom; it’s about expressing appreciation for everything previous generations have bestowed upon us.
I've relished looking after Dad and cherish all aspects of it, from the essential tasks to the enjoyable moments. Last October, I brought him to the yearly "senior prom," which is organized by our local Office for the Aging for seniors in our county. He thoroughly enjoyed himself, forming new friendships and basking in the music. Seeing his laughter filled me with delight.
My sister has chosen to create special occasions like "Dinner with Dad" or "Breakfast with Dad," during which they enjoy homemade meals and casual conversations. These moments together have brought us numerous benefits. In return, our father has imparted tales from his childhood and offered valuable insights, enriching our family’s legacy with these precious memories.
After every gathering, he sends a message saying "Thanks for coming to see me." Such gratitude isn’t required. I’m merely fulfilling my duties as his daughter and as someone of Chinese-American heritage. My dad simplifies things because he’s amazing and has done so much for us already.
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